#13 Matchmaking

One of the greatest fears in any Singaporean Mom’s life is that their kid will end up single or worse, married to a gold digger/short man/someone who is not Asian. It is for this reason that Singaporean Moms have taken it upon themselves to engage in the arduous task of finding their precious offspring his or her pefect match. Forget about eHarmony or Match.com…your Singaporean Mom will use her snooping prowess to find you a legit match and screen him/her way better than any online dating site can. Unlike Craigslist Personals, it is virtually impossible to lie to a Singaporean Mom (those flaring nostrils will give you away in no time), so you can be sure that you won’t be meeting a 55-year-old balding man-nurse masquerading as a 30-year-old doctor with McDreamy-type looks. Take note, however (and this is a very big however), that your Singaporean Mom’s taste may differ largely from yours.

If you are a daughter, you will probably be matchmaked with one of your Singaporean Mom’s friend’s sons. Your Singaporean Mom will arrange a meeting with aforementioned friend and son, before not-so-subtly hinting to everyone that you are a domestic goddess, even if your track record in the kitchen includes an egg exploding in the microwave and a cheese cake that had the consistency of Blu-Tack. Also note that your Singaporean Mom will not approve of any guy who dresses shabbily, is majoring in anything to do with the Arts, or is taking a break from school/work because he is “still trying to figure out what to do with his life”. On the other hand, Singaporean Moms love guys who are doctors, lawyers or engineers. Extra points if he spends his weekends off from work tutoring disabled children or bringing his mom to her weekly mahjong game.

If you are a son, it is highly likely that your Singaporean Mom will hook you up with a pleasant but somewhat homely chick who knows how to bake a pandan chiffon cake with just a toaster oven. Do not be disappointed if your Singaporean Mom doesn’t set you up with a model – this is for your own good, and she will tell you that a hiao bor/vain pot will take your money and run away with an ang moh man. Your Singaporean Mom will also never, ever set you up with a girl who is not Asian (or in some cases, Singaporean). If you ever do bring home a girl who isn’t Asian, your Singaporean Mom will probably wail pitifully about how her one and only son has been bewitched by an ang moh temptress and that you might as well just kill her already. A note of caution – Do not ever tell your Singaporean Mom that she’s being rude/prejudiced because she gave your non-Chinese date a fork and spoon instead of chopsticks (while talking about her in Chinese, in front of her). She will loudly proclaim that she must have committed some heinous crime in her past life to have such an unfilial and ungrateful child, and then proceed to lecture you about how children back in the day were seen and not heard.

P.S That’s Mulan’s matchmaker, in case you don’t remember.

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2 thoughts on “#13 Matchmaking

  1. Raymond says:

    Haha love this post! Could not agree more!

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